I’m definitely going to regret this. But if I don’t like it then I can change it. I can wipe it away and pretend it never happened. But I really want to write this, so I’ll write it because if I don’t then it’ll just fade away.
I want to write it anonymously. I’ve tried talking to friends but I think they’re bored of it, I’ve tried talking to parents but I think they are too. So if I just say it and know that somebody read it, and not have to say it again or think it again then it might feel a bit better.
My mum has been getting me all hooked up with social media. I have a proper phone so I can talk to people, and go on the internet and do stuff. She doesn’t want me to feel left out and I know she just wants what’s best. The truth is, I don’t really want to be connected to everyone. I want to find my own way of getting on with things. But I’m trying her idea first before I dismiss it.
I know I have other people. I’m not completely alone. I know that I’m a melodramatic person. But when you’re that close to someone and they leave, only then do you realise how close you were.
Okay, so I argued with Keys. We actually got talking for a while, and for a few weeks, I thought that we could go back to how we used to be. Then we met up one day, by accident. It felt great. But I came home feeling like shit. She has so many brand new friends who buy her limited edition band merch, who talk to her every day online, who seem to really get her. I can’t compete with that. I’m just her sad little tag-along who keeps quiet and isn’t loud and showy but pretends to be in front of her because I’m scared of losing her. Or I was.
The day after I felt really paranoid. I felt like she was ignoring me, or that she was only talking to me out of sympathy or obligation. So I sent her this big long message telling her to be honest, asking her if she genuinely liked me, and when I look back at it, it sounded really clingy. Of course, she wasn’t ignoring me. She sent me this huge rant about how horrible it felt reading what I had sent, and that she would never lie, why would I think she would ever do that, etc. At that point I was crying in front of my computer screen. I had messed up. I apologised over and over and she just kept on going on that she “would always put her music first and I just had to accept that” and “I shouldn’t take it out on her” Which I shouldn’t. But I told her that I hadn’t been myself and I thought she would get it because she always said that she had social anxiety so I thought she would understand how it felt. But she didn’t. She just kept going.
I haven’t talked to her since then and there isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about it. My parents don’t want me to talk about her any more because I’m “Over it” and “so much stronger now”. I’m not over it. And I’m not stronger. I just need to wait until I can begin forgetting about it and pretend that nothing happened.
So that’s it. I’ll try not to post about it in the future, as I imagine that it isn’t very entertaining. I just need to get it all off my chest and I’ll be fine. It will be happy posts from now on. But for this one, no songs, no tags. just the above.