Monthly Archives: May 2017

Standard

My sunshine girl!! Full of light and love and warmth,

I wish that I could describe what I feel when I see you

But unfortunately I am just a star

Meek and cold and stiff,

Desperately trying to shine in the darkness, to compare to your fire.

 

“You are so extra.”

I say it jokingly but I wish I could complete the sentence:

“You are so extra, and I love that about you, I love your honesty,

It’s so rare!”

 

The last few seconds are ticking away,

And as the final chord of a year is struck, you pull me away,

Out of view.

Just beyond the door frame,

You grab my shirt and I am pulled into a kiss that ends in laughter

and the word “Stop.”

I see the hurt flash in your eyes and once again wish I could complete the sentence:

“Stop putting yourself at risk, your family is in the other room

And I don’t want you in any danger.”

All I want for you is love and happiness,

And I am so incredibly scared that I won’t be able to give you that.

 

So much hiding.

Quietly moving away at the sound of footsteps down the hall,

fingers on lips,

Frantic kisses,

Snatching every moment.

It ends in smiles each time, but love,

I know there will be a day when it ends in tears.

Somebody will come in with a surprise,

Catch a glimpse in a mirror,

Hear something they shouldn’t.

Sunshine girl, you leave your doors open for all to see,

But one day,

You will start to close them.

 

Stage 2: In which we realise our faults

Sunshine girl, I am sorry.

I didn’t mean to play a song that would make you cry.

I didn’t mean to ramble about insecurity and intrusive thinking.

I didn’t mean for you to break down in my kitchen.

I just wanted you to know

What you’re getting into.

I wanted you to know that I am not who I make myself to be.

Frankly I’m a mess.

You will never be able to compliment me without my dismissal,

You may end up awake at 2 in the morning trying to talk me out of stupid things.

I will need reassuring

and reassuring

and reassuring

And it will be tiring.

But something that I maybe didn’t consider was

that maybe I don’t know what I’m getting into.

If I am a mess, you are an avalanche.

And I worry for you every day.

I find myself dissonant.

I want you to be happy.

But sometimes that’s something I can’t give.

 

I was watching you play guitar today.

I had never seen you so focused, in such deep concentration

That I could see the systems spinning around your head.

It was almost as if I were looking at a crown of stars.

You look at home with a guitar in your hands.

As though all is suddenly right with the world.

It makes me happy to see you so at peace.

 

This was going to be some kind of great love poem that I was going to show you.

But you probably won’t see it now.

Thank you?? For letting me feel something?? Because when it was good, it was so good.

I love you

I miss you.

But I don’t want you back.

I may as well put this somewhere instead of leaving it to sit.

 

Advertisements

Standard

 

I’m trying to understand the human condition

and so type “suicide” into my search bar

I need to understand, you see.

When close to death, when they think they’re ready for death, when they think it’s near,

I think that is when we are at our most human.

Because it’s raw and ugly and a ruthless natural process.

And it happens because the chemicals in somebody’s brain got fucked up.

That fascinates me.

Or it used to.

I think maybe now I understand.

I’m beginning to.

Recently I’ve been drifting.

I don’t feel like there’s a purpose to anything anymore.

And the world is so big that is scares me.

It’s swallowing me whole.

And it is so, so big.

Its strange because

I can remember exactly when it happened.

It was two days after a girl had left.

She said she wasn’t sure she could love,

And that I loved too much

To the point of suffocation.

Anyway.

Two days afterwards.

I had a packet of pills in my pocket in the hopes that I would go numb.

It hurt. It was painful.

It wasn’t anything heavy, not even behind the counter stuff.

I just kept taking them and taking them and soon none were left.

That night I went home and nearly threw up, but

It felt good.

Because it was physical, something physical to explain why my head hurt.

That felt logical to me.

I wandered through the hallway of my house,

Stared at the ceiling in my bedroom,

Went into the garden and sat in the cold.

It was so vapid.

But it made sense.

For that next week I drank

And made sure that at every opportunity I was drunk.

Now I just drift.

I wait for things to pass by.

I’m waiting to find something to live for again, wondering

“Was that girl my lifeline? Has it now snapped?”

Dangerously floating into things that scare me,

Narrowly avoiding everything by fractions.

Now I think I understand the need for death.

It’s a logical end to a chain of events.

It isn’t always a cry for help

More of a shout into the void.

A need for an answer.

Or a logical solution.

Maybe writing this makes me just another shout.

But noise has to go somewhere.