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My sunshine girl!! Full of light and love and warmth,

I wish that I could describe what I feel when I see you

But unfortunately I am just a star

Meek and cold and stiff,

Desperately trying to shine in the darkness, to compare to your fire.

 

“You are so extra.”

I say it jokingly but I wish I could complete the sentence:

“You are so extra, and I love that about you, I love your honesty,

It’s so rare!”

 

The last few seconds are ticking away,

And as the final chord of a year is struck, you pull me away,

Out of view.

Just beyond the door frame,

You grab my shirt and I am pulled into a kiss that ends in laughter

and the word “Stop.”

I see the hurt flash in your eyes and once again wish I could complete the sentence:

“Stop putting yourself at risk, your family is in the other room

And I don’t want you in any danger.”

All I want for you is love and happiness,

And I am so incredibly scared that I won’t be able to give you that.

 

So much hiding.

Quietly moving away at the sound of footsteps down the hall,

fingers on lips,

Frantic kisses,

Snatching every moment.

It ends in smiles each time, but love,

I know there will be a day when it ends in tears.

Somebody will come in with a surprise,

Catch a glimpse in a mirror,

Hear something they shouldn’t.

Sunshine girl, you leave your doors open for all to see,

But one day,

You will start to close them.

 

Stage 2: In which we realise our faults

Sunshine girl, I am sorry.

I didn’t mean to play a song that would make you cry.

I didn’t mean to ramble about insecurity and intrusive thinking.

I didn’t mean for you to break down in my kitchen.

I just wanted you to know

What you’re getting into.

I wanted you to know that I am not who I make myself to be.

Frankly I’m a mess.

You will never be able to compliment me without my dismissal,

You may end up awake at 2 in the morning trying to talk me out of stupid things.

I will need reassuring

and reassuring

and reassuring

And it will be tiring.

But something that I maybe didn’t consider was

that maybe I don’t know what I’m getting into.

If I am a mess, you are an avalanche.

And I worry for you every day.

I find myself dissonant.

I want you to be happy.

But sometimes that’s something I can’t give.

 

I was watching you play guitar today.

I had never seen you so focused, in such deep concentration

That I could see the systems spinning around your head.

It was almost as if I were looking at a crown of stars.

You look at home with a guitar in your hands.

As though all is suddenly right with the world.

It makes me happy to see you so at peace.

 

This was going to be some kind of great love poem that I was going to show you.

But you probably won’t see it now.

Thank you?? For letting me feel something?? Because when it was good, it was so good.

I love you

I miss you.

But I don’t want you back.

I may as well put this somewhere instead of leaving it to sit.

 

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